Customer Review

Reviewed in the United States on April 6, 2014
While staying home from work sick one day, I decided that I needed to sleep off the cold that I had. I had been coughing, sneezing, generally achey all over, and had a pretty bad fever. After taking DayQuil for two days and not getting any better, I decided that staying home from work, upping my fluids, and sleeping this cold off was my best option.

I slugged my sick self to CVS and picked up extra strength NyQuil, crackers, chicken noodle soup, and a fresh box of tissues. On my way to the register, I saw these Haribo Gummi Bears dangling off of the hook and decided that since they were sugar-free, that it would be okay to indulge in some prior to my NyQuil-induced coma. I took the suggested two tablespoons of NyQuil, added a little extra for good measure (hey, with congestion this stuff tastes like Jaeger), and laid down in bed with my gummies.

I browsed Netflix for something mind-numbing so that I would feel the urge to pass out even quicker, so I put on Pretty Little Liars because of how terrible it is. While the show loaded up, I popped a handful of these gummies in my mouth. My first thoughts were, "Wow, for sugar-free, these taste really good!" This only provoked me to down the entire bag within the first 15 minutes of Pretty Little Liars. Seriously though, that show is so terrible. Only suitable for a 20+ year-old-guy to fall asleep to.

I can't figure out how long I slept for, but upon waking up I could immediately tell something had gone awry. I woke up in a cold sweat, and the back end of my pajama pants feeling wet. I rolled over to find a dry spot on my sheet and that's when I heard the slush sound from my pants. The sound was equivalent to a wooden spoon being stirred around in fresh oatmeal. I immediately ripped the blankets off, and I honestly wish I hadn't.

Smeared all over my fitted sheet was my own, home-brewed, chocolate pudding with chunks and all. It looked like I had been slimed on that old Nickelodeon show, "Double Dare," but the "slime" came from my ass, and it definitely was not the fun lime green color.

After reading numerous reviews of people feeling as if Niagara Falls were being funneled through a coffee stirrer, and experiencing extreme amounts of stomach cramping, I'm glad I managed to sleep through all of this.

The smell was pungent enough to clear my sinuses, but I was not pleasantly surprised by this. I also noticed that in my effort to throw the blankets off of me, I managed to fling my hot fudge all over the wall, my dresser, and my TV. The only thing I could do was burn my sheets and the clothing I had on. I managed to bundle the comforter, sheet, fitted sheet, and my pj pants into a giant, soggy pile and threw it into my back yard. After showering and cleaning off the remaining chocolate milk, I grabbed my gallon of gasoline from the garage and made my way to the back yard.

I doused the sheets, blanket, and clothing with copious amounts of gasoline. I struck a single match and tossed it onto the pile of clothing. The fire roared and as my sheets started to burn, my balloon knot did as well. I felt a gurgle come from my stomach so loud that vibrated my rib cage and even gave me a cramp in my shoulder. I felt something drop inside me. I couldn't tell what it was, but I knew the only way out was through my little brown eye.

I had no other choice, but to drop my pants, turn around, and just spray the fire with the liquid that came shooting out of me. While I stood there bent over and holding my cheeks open, I was screaming like a WWII kamikaze pilot. It was very much like the scene in Van Wilder when the guy pooped into the garbage can while screaming, "I'M BLEEDING." The chocolate sauce arced through the air gracefully, but unfortunately put the fire out like a fire extinguisher.

Once the stream of butt-mud slowed down to a sputter, I passed out on the ground with my pants at my ankles. The next thing I know I woke up to a police officer poking me with his night stick asking me why I had a giant ball of blankets smoking in my back yard.

Never eat these gummies. They got me a ticket and I have to appear in court for indecent exposure because of them.
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