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Customer Review
Reviewed in the United States on March 21, 2011
By the time I finally got home, the night was as dark as the day is for blind people. I sat in my car a moment and ran a hand over my care-creased brow and listened to the chirping of the cicadas. "Cicada, cicada, cicada, etc" they seemed to be saying. Damn, I was tired. After a stressful fourteen hour day at the office, all I wanted to do was lay down on my polyurethane-based viscoelastic memory foam mattress to create a custom fit for my body--virtually eliminating painful pressure points and greatly reducing my body's need to toss and turn in search of a comfortable, pain-free sleeping position. Let me stop you right there- no, I'm not an astronaut, and no, the office I mentioned before wasn't NASA.
No, really, I'm telling the truth! Yes, I know what you're thinking. "Why, with a mattress that advanced, you must have walked on the moon, or bare minimum robbed Cape Canaveral!" Well, sorry to let you down friend- I'm neither a hero, nor a morally ambivalent janitor.
I'm just the owner of a beauty salon for dogs. The owner of a beauty salon for dogs who has a TEMPUR-pedic mattress, that is.
As I changed into my silk, maroon, pajamas, the only thought on my mind was of the dreamless sleep I would soon be literally sinking into (you sink-in slightly when you lay on memory foam- not an unpleasant feeling, just takes some getting used to, FYI), but when I emerged from the walk-in boudoir, I saw my wife had other plans. She wanted to bounce on the bed. She wanted to bounce hard.
Get your mind out of the gutter, friend! I'm talking about actually jumping on the bed! We don't do that other thing- I'm a closeted gay. Did I mention I own a beauty salon for dogs? Anywhoodle, there she was, dressed head to toe in her silk, lavender, pajamas, leaping for all she was worth on the duvet cover and all I wanted to do was lay down and wait for Mr. Sandman to bring me a dream (like the Chordettes said, "make him the cutest that I've ever seen)!
Now let me stop you again, friend. Was I surprised? Heck no! This is a regular occurrence at my house. The little lady was blessed with high-ceilings and gams that work like pistons. She was like an angel rising up to heaven, coming down for a quick appearance on a piece of toast, and then right back up to the pearly gates to sing in the choir invisible.
Well then you must have been mad, or at least a little put out then? Heck no times two says me to you! Though I do wish she had folded back the duvet cover like we had talked about. Hand-laced by moi. But no, I wasn't the least bit inconvenienced and do you know why? Three little words, six simple syllables, nineteen fun letters: TEMPUR-PEDIC MATTRESS. Because of the mattress's futuristic design, energy is absorbed and dissipated, so no motion is transferred. I could drift off peacefully, while the wifey springs again and again, releasing all the day's unexpressed emotions that slowly build inside her behind those cold, dead, shark eyes. And the Tempur-pedic mattress works both ways! Sometimes I'm the one tossing and turning all night long, tortured by my secret life, and she just lies there. It seems like she can sleep through just about everything- some nights I bring home men and they have their way with me inches from her slumbering form. She doesn't even bat an eye!
But the sounds we make. She must hear. She must.
Well what about smothering her, then? Let me stop you right there friend- these are Tempur-pedic pillows. It's like trying to murder someone with a cloud!
No, this is my life now. This is all there is. And one day this bed will be my grave.
No, really, I'm telling the truth! Yes, I know what you're thinking. "Why, with a mattress that advanced, you must have walked on the moon, or bare minimum robbed Cape Canaveral!" Well, sorry to let you down friend- I'm neither a hero, nor a morally ambivalent janitor.
I'm just the owner of a beauty salon for dogs. The owner of a beauty salon for dogs who has a TEMPUR-pedic mattress, that is.
As I changed into my silk, maroon, pajamas, the only thought on my mind was of the dreamless sleep I would soon be literally sinking into (you sink-in slightly when you lay on memory foam- not an unpleasant feeling, just takes some getting used to, FYI), but when I emerged from the walk-in boudoir, I saw my wife had other plans. She wanted to bounce on the bed. She wanted to bounce hard.
Get your mind out of the gutter, friend! I'm talking about actually jumping on the bed! We don't do that other thing- I'm a closeted gay. Did I mention I own a beauty salon for dogs? Anywhoodle, there she was, dressed head to toe in her silk, lavender, pajamas, leaping for all she was worth on the duvet cover and all I wanted to do was lay down and wait for Mr. Sandman to bring me a dream (like the Chordettes said, "make him the cutest that I've ever seen)!
Now let me stop you again, friend. Was I surprised? Heck no! This is a regular occurrence at my house. The little lady was blessed with high-ceilings and gams that work like pistons. She was like an angel rising up to heaven, coming down for a quick appearance on a piece of toast, and then right back up to the pearly gates to sing in the choir invisible.
Well then you must have been mad, or at least a little put out then? Heck no times two says me to you! Though I do wish she had folded back the duvet cover like we had talked about. Hand-laced by moi. But no, I wasn't the least bit inconvenienced and do you know why? Three little words, six simple syllables, nineteen fun letters: TEMPUR-PEDIC MATTRESS. Because of the mattress's futuristic design, energy is absorbed and dissipated, so no motion is transferred. I could drift off peacefully, while the wifey springs again and again, releasing all the day's unexpressed emotions that slowly build inside her behind those cold, dead, shark eyes. And the Tempur-pedic mattress works both ways! Sometimes I'm the one tossing and turning all night long, tortured by my secret life, and she just lies there. It seems like she can sleep through just about everything- some nights I bring home men and they have their way with me inches from her slumbering form. She doesn't even bat an eye!
But the sounds we make. She must hear. She must.
Well what about smothering her, then? Let me stop you right there friend- these are Tempur-pedic pillows. It's like trying to murder someone with a cloud!
No, this is my life now. This is all there is. And one day this bed will be my grave.
